on unfriending
October 15th, 2020 18:39![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alibi_shopAfter months of politely ignoring the increasingly crankish "What if the pandemic is bogus, I mean I'm not saying it is bogus, I just think The Numbers Don't Add Up and we should Do Our Own Research" type Facebook posts by a neighborhood acquaintance and friend-of-friend, and then commenting a couple times along the lines of "This thing you've linked to doesn't mean what you're saying it means, here's why", and politely disengaging from one brief in-person conversation where they seemed to be sincerely not wanting me to think of them as a conspiracy theory nut... and then seeing it escalate to real Qanon-level stuff (5G microwaves for the New World Order, etc.)... I finally decided to do what a friend had recently mentioned doing in a similar situation:
Don't ignore; don't argue. Tell them that this is wrong and harmful. Tell them that you won't stay in contact as long as they're doing this—just as you wouldn't if someone were proselytizing for a cult that says the Protocols of the Elders of Zion is a real thing. Do this just once, in a public post, and tell other people in your friends or community that you're doing it. And then unfriend.
I realize a lot of people feel that if you do this, you're living in an echo chamber, or denying the person the benefit of your point of view, or that this is "cancel culture" that'll lead to ostracizing anyone who ever said a dumb thing, etc... but, no. First, this is not a person I know well enough to engage with lovingly; I have no idea what their issues are; and they have not been responsive to reason at all. But also: I've had enough years of pre-Internet life that I don't take social media for granted, I see it as a continuation of ways that I interacted before, like "making chit-chat with someone at a party" or, less often, "reading someone's personal newsletter that they like to send out sometimes, with pictures of their cats." And I managed to get through all those years without thinking it was my duty to chat with, or debate, or read the personal newsletter of, any of my acquaintances—let alone one whose newsletter was full of offensive and toxic material. And that didn't mean I didn't know they existed, it meant I wasn't going to pretend I was OK with them and that they should have my ear, if I wasn't and they shouldn't.
I'm tentatively encouraging others to consider doing the same. If someone like this does value knowing you at all, but they're only listening to their fellow cultists, and you're not a close enough friend to really intervene... let them know that they can't have their cake and eat it too, that if they insist on actively making the world a worse and more dangerous place, you won't pretend they're just a nice person with some funny opinions. And they can choose whether knowing only cultists is really what they want. I think most people don't want that, and might actually notice if they're getting a lot of firm and well-wishing goodbyes-with-explanations, rather than just silent unfollowing.
Maybe.
I don't know to what extent I would apply this to people with more mundane but still harmful beliefs, things that are more like what we think of as "political". Right now I don't happen to personally know anyone who is strongly right-wing (and no, that does not mean I live in a bubble and have no idea what other people think; I grew up in Pennsylvania, and I read) so that's not something I've been dealing with. Everyone has their own line in the sand; you just have to acknowledge that there is one for you. If you wouldn't stay friends, even Facebook friends, with a literal Nazi—and you wouldn't think that such a connection was somehow beneficial to either you or them—then you have a line. Whether that's defined by the degree of harm, or what others would think of you, or whatever... you do get to draw that line.
It's never been the case that good people would hang out with absolutely everyone and be friendly to everyone and calmly debate their beliefs no matter what; no one lives that way. We've just briefly had the illusion that social media might be like that. And it's an illusion that's loudly promoted in bad faith by the kind of online people who like to do the "If you won't treat me with my due respect, that means you don't want to hear any differing opinions!" thing—because they understand that well-meaning people don't want to be closed-minded and don't want to be hypocrites, and that that's a fear that can be weaponized.
The person I just unfriended isn't one of those malicious types, I don't think they're arguing in bad faith, but they're relying on people having that fear: we don't want to think we're the kind of people who live in our own world and don't listen and will drive people away. Well... maybe it is reasonable to ask them to face the same fear. If they've embraced a closed system of belief, one that can harm others, and they don't listen, then they will drive people away—and it's best that they know when that happens, and exactly why. That's an honest and valid social act. If people just quietly drift away, with a couple of them sticking around just enough to offer the kind of well-meaning arguments that they already know how to ignore, then it's easier for them to live in their own world without realizing it.
Maybe.
Don't ignore; don't argue. Tell them that this is wrong and harmful. Tell them that you won't stay in contact as long as they're doing this—just as you wouldn't if someone were proselytizing for a cult that says the Protocols of the Elders of Zion is a real thing. Do this just once, in a public post, and tell other people in your friends or community that you're doing it. And then unfriend.
I realize a lot of people feel that if you do this, you're living in an echo chamber, or denying the person the benefit of your point of view, or that this is "cancel culture" that'll lead to ostracizing anyone who ever said a dumb thing, etc... but, no. First, this is not a person I know well enough to engage with lovingly; I have no idea what their issues are; and they have not been responsive to reason at all. But also: I've had enough years of pre-Internet life that I don't take social media for granted, I see it as a continuation of ways that I interacted before, like "making chit-chat with someone at a party" or, less often, "reading someone's personal newsletter that they like to send out sometimes, with pictures of their cats." And I managed to get through all those years without thinking it was my duty to chat with, or debate, or read the personal newsletter of, any of my acquaintances—let alone one whose newsletter was full of offensive and toxic material. And that didn't mean I didn't know they existed, it meant I wasn't going to pretend I was OK with them and that they should have my ear, if I wasn't and they shouldn't.
I'm tentatively encouraging others to consider doing the same. If someone like this does value knowing you at all, but they're only listening to their fellow cultists, and you're not a close enough friend to really intervene... let them know that they can't have their cake and eat it too, that if they insist on actively making the world a worse and more dangerous place, you won't pretend they're just a nice person with some funny opinions. And they can choose whether knowing only cultists is really what they want. I think most people don't want that, and might actually notice if they're getting a lot of firm and well-wishing goodbyes-with-explanations, rather than just silent unfollowing.
Maybe.
I don't know to what extent I would apply this to people with more mundane but still harmful beliefs, things that are more like what we think of as "political". Right now I don't happen to personally know anyone who is strongly right-wing (and no, that does not mean I live in a bubble and have no idea what other people think; I grew up in Pennsylvania, and I read) so that's not something I've been dealing with. Everyone has their own line in the sand; you just have to acknowledge that there is one for you. If you wouldn't stay friends, even Facebook friends, with a literal Nazi—and you wouldn't think that such a connection was somehow beneficial to either you or them—then you have a line. Whether that's defined by the degree of harm, or what others would think of you, or whatever... you do get to draw that line.
It's never been the case that good people would hang out with absolutely everyone and be friendly to everyone and calmly debate their beliefs no matter what; no one lives that way. We've just briefly had the illusion that social media might be like that. And it's an illusion that's loudly promoted in bad faith by the kind of online people who like to do the "If you won't treat me with my due respect, that means you don't want to hear any differing opinions!" thing—because they understand that well-meaning people don't want to be closed-minded and don't want to be hypocrites, and that that's a fear that can be weaponized.
The person I just unfriended isn't one of those malicious types, I don't think they're arguing in bad faith, but they're relying on people having that fear: we don't want to think we're the kind of people who live in our own world and don't listen and will drive people away. Well... maybe it is reasonable to ask them to face the same fear. If they've embraced a closed system of belief, one that can harm others, and they don't listen, then they will drive people away—and it's best that they know when that happens, and exactly why. That's an honest and valid social act. If people just quietly drift away, with a couple of them sticking around just enough to offer the kind of well-meaning arguments that they already know how to ignore, then it's easier for them to live in their own world without realizing it.
Maybe.
